Every child is born knowing how to whine. There’s something ancient, and even natural, in these behaviours, as irritating as they are, writes Ceri Marsh.
Every child is born knowing how to whine. There’s something ancient, and even natural, in these behaviours, as irritating as they are, writes Ceri Marsh.
Q Our four-year-old daughter is in a stage — if you can call a year a stage — where she whines constantly. Like, all the time. Every single request she makes comes out as a whine — even when it’s something my husband or I are likely to give her. She responds to every direction we give her with whining.
She’s so dramatic! And the sound of her whining pierces a part of my brain that allows me to be patient. It’s like an electrical shock. I tell her that I can’t understand her whining voice. This works sometimes, but other times it just makes things worse and then we’re all in bad moods.
I’ve asked her junior kindergarten teacher about it and she told me that she’s never heard my daughter whine. So clearly she is able to function without talking in that irritating way. I really don’t want to be annoyed by my kid, but I can feel a switch flipping when she whines, and I get snappy and irritable with her.
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I know that everything with parenting comes in phases, but this one is really killing me.
Worried About whining
A Oh, the universal song of the whining child: setting parents’ teeth on edge since the beginning of time. I remember my husband and I watching in amazement as our youngest threw her body to the ground in a classic tantrum for the first time and asking each other, “How did she know how to do that?”
It’s the same thing with whining; every child is born knowing how to make that noise. There’s something ancient, and even natural, in these behaviours, as irritating as they are. And that’s the point: they work.
The reason it bothers you so much is that it’s meant to. That high pitched, insistent voice does actually pierce your brain, as you so accurately noted. You perceive the distress that’s being communicated, even if the reason for the distress is seemingly inconsequential. You know, intellectually, that your daughter whining about wanting a cookie before dinner does not represent any kind of risk to her. And yet, her tone still tells your brain, “Danger! Solve this problem right now!”
I think the other reason it grates so much is related to your own emotional triggers, which get struck as well as our neurological ones. What were you told by your parents when you whined? Were you ignored? Scolded? Punished? Almost certainly you absorbed the information that whining is a terrible habit. Plus, it’s very hard not to take our kids’ less-desirable behaviours as a reflection on us as parents. Even when you know it’s developmentally normal.
As you pointed out, you’ve been trying to deal with the whining and it’s not working. It must be your fault! Or at least that’s what the evil little voice in your head says (or even whines). But that’s not helpful. Just like your daughter hasn’t learned how not to whine yet, you haven’t landed on the right way to help her get there yet.
According to Instagram’s favourite clinical psychologist, Dr. Becky, whining is the result of two feelings in combination: strong desire and helplessness. So your kid is dying to tell you something, but you’re on the phone. She’s going to starve if she can’t have a snack immediately, but you’re busy making dinner. Screen time is over and she wants five more minutes.
I’m sure you could add about a dozen more scenarios to this list. There’s not much you can do about the size of your kid’s desires — that’s another developmental fact of children. The lever you can pull is helplessness.
This doesn’t mean giving in to every demand. You can give your kid more agency by communicating family rules clearly and often. Predictable structure allows kids to know what’s coming and can help to dampen their sense of helplessness. She may not like that you won’t give her leftover Easter chocolate 10 minutes before dinner, but if it’s always the case that nobody snacks before dinner, it may be less of an affront to her.
Even when you do everything right, kids will still sometimes whine.
Dr. Becky recommends getting down to their eye level, making physical contact and saying something like, “Hey, it sounds like you have something important to tell me and I really want to hear it. Can you tell me again?” Now, even if this supports her in telling you what she wants in a less ear-torturing style, she may still want something you’re not willing to give. We’re just dealing with the whining here, not with the content. But since we want to encourage a “normal” voice and discourage whining, make it worth her while. Thank her when she does manage to not whine, try to be sympathetic when you have to say no, even to a non-whined request.
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As for your daughter’s teacher telling you she never whines at school, try taking some pride in that. You’re right, it does mean she’s able to communicate appropriately when it’s required. It also means she’s expending lots of good-behaviour energy at school and is really tired once she’s home with you. Kids act out with us because they feel safe to. I know it doesn’t always feel like a compliment, but it is.
Just knowing why a kid whines can help — fatigue, desire, helplessness — take the bite out of those less-dulcet tones.
CM
Ceri Marsh is a freelance contributing columnist, focused on
parenting. She is based in Toronto. Send her your questions:
parenting@thestar.ca
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